i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
