I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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