so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
