I need to stop coming to work sober
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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