Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
