The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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