haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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