i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
