Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
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