Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
