In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
