great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
