I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
