So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
