if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
