The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
