does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Just high enough for therapy.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
