we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
