I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
