Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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