i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
