That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
