Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
