i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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