i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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