I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
this boner is exhausting
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize