Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
