One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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