I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
