so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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