MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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