We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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