just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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