just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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