this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The Olympian is in my bed
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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