i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
