I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
