You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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