Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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