you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize