two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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