I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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