did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
