I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
