You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think I won the penis lottery.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
