just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
