This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
