He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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