yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
