Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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