I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
