he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
