he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
