I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize