Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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