Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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